Preview of the 1998 VVL Season

By Jake Avent.

What follows is a scientific preview of the coming State League season, with each team rated on a variety of factors including past performance, new talent, (in the case of Preston) depth of pockets, colour and design of uniforms and of course ability and willingness to PARTEE!!!

This guide should not be used as the sort of form guide you would bet your families fortunes on for reasons that will probably become apparent...

This form guide is for Men's Honours only and any information contained within that doesn't seem entirely accurate probably isn't, and it must be added that if any of the other teams get a hold of this they may wish to cause me grievous bodily harm, so please remember your loyalties and tell anyone who asks that Salman Rushdie wrote it.

Enjoy... Snake.

HEIDELBERG

Colours: Black, White and Grey
Last Year: 1st
This Year: 8th
In: Craig Mansfield (Canberra), Matt Coad (Div 1)
Out: Troy Goodman (AIS), Mark Morrissey (Going out with Sacha's sister)

The big, bad and dare we say boring boys of the competition will face a difficult year after Franksie finally snaps in either the first or second game of the season. He'll bring his service revolver to the game and take out his entire backcourt for failing to pick up a hit he failed to block. Hopefully the backcourt at the time will include Messrs Abud, Santamaria and Mansfield, and while we don't wish them any fatal injury, any slight maiming that would result in the end of their season would not be entirely unappreciated. Heidelberg will then rely on the resurrection of Tomas Santamaria's career to get them through the rest of the season.

PRESTON FALCONS

Colours: Navy Blue and White
Last Year: 2nd
This Year: 2nd
In: Cuban National Team (Cuba), Mark "Noisy" Young (Renegades...bad move sunshine)
Out: David Chlebna (Europe), Terry McDonnell (AIS), Danny Mraz (Freaky Drug Induced Haze)

After being inspired by the Renegades award winning performance in Warrnambool against the AIS, Victorian volleyball's very own version of Joseph Gutnick has actually paid a small fortune to the cash strapped government of Fidel Castro to rent out the real Cuban national team for the duration of the State League season, once again leaving Noisy wanting for court time! But in a move that will start a dynasty of being the perennial bridesmaid and proving once and for all that money can't buy a championship, the Cubans will lose their way in the Grand Final after foolishly eating the chokky cake at Murray's pre-game function!

MONBULK

Colours: Black with Trendy Yellow Numbers and Names and Radical Red Writing.
Last Year: 3rd (???????)
This Year: 3rd
In: Probably some poor sucker from the country who got sucked in by the complimentary basket of scones upon registration.
Out: Johnny Miller (if he had any brains that is...we all know he's a Renegade at heart!)

The fact that Monbulk came third last year is testimony to the fact that every other team in the comp had at least one crap game, especially Southern Cross in the semi! Monbulk will probably come third again this year, because as the song goes, that's just the way it is. Nothing much has changed, as they're still an annoyingly chirpy bunch of guys. However, they will cause an uproar when they mimic their women's team and rock up in body suits...not as a joke, but for real. Billy McHoul will then make a comeback as the fourth setter for the Honours team, just to indulge his many and varied lycra fantasies.

SOUTHERN CROSS

Colours: Blue with Yellow thingies around their Armpits.
Last Year: Fourth
This Year: Fourth
In: Probably another batch of 6'10" 15 year olds that Dan Higgins grows in his lab in the basement.
Out: Chris Grigg (Renegades...yaaayyy!!)

Southern Cross will be very competitive this year once again and will probably pull off the odd upset victory against heavyweights such as Heidelberg, Renegades and Cuba, sorry, Preston. Sam Wills is the key to this team and we all know if we make fart noises during his jump serves he will wilt. Southern Cross is under the expert tutelage of he who needs only to be known as "H", so we should expect the floors at Springers to be as slimy as Tim Richter after a few beverages. Watch for Pikey to make some funny faces, Bruce to look very serious and the whole team to choke dramatically in their semi against Monbulk.

EASTSIDE HAWKS

Colours: Red, White and Bloody Blue...but it looks terrible on them.
Last Year: 5th
This Year: 6th
In: ????
Out: Eric Gelt (Knee Recon due to gross incompetence on snowboard)

There is a saying around Victorian volleyball that goes "No Eric, No Eastside". No statement could be more true...without "E's" sublime skills bamboozling middle players all over the shop, Eastside have more chance of strapping V8's to their backs and trying to win Bathurst! This may seem a bit harsh, but with news coming through that Crown Casino is on its knees financially, Sonny Tran and the Lim brothers will be moving in for the kill, so don't expect to see their faces around volleyball much this year. They'll make a run at the finals, but will fall short...again.

USC LION

Colours: Blue, Yellow and Black. Quite effective really.
Last Year: 1st in Div 1.
This Year: 5th
In: Well, everyone I guess...
Out: No one...yet.

USC look kinda scary, what with their almost universal lack of hair and repeated exclamations in unknown tongues. There's not a lot to be said about them because quite frankly I know some of them have old ties with Renegades, and I'm not sure what sort of sense of humour they have. They look quite talented, and from all accounts acquitted themselves well in their first Honours outing at Wang. Didn't see a lot of them at the pub though, however it is early days so we'll give them the benefit of the doubt. Will be the Port Power of State League, with quite a strong record but will get freaked out by Franksie's bloodbath, whereas all the other clubs are used to his little outbursts.

MONASH

Colours: Feminine Hygiene Blue and Girl’s Blouse White.
Last Year: 6th
This Year: 7th
In: Plenty of annoying first-years
Out: All the wiser second years plus Mark Armstrong (Renegades...yaaaaaayyy)

We all know that Monash take it up the arse (except for Stork). So there really is not much more to say. But, because I'm a bitter and twisted person I'll rave for a bit. The only match Monash will win will be the "Franksie Bloodbath" match, and only then by forfeit, because I'm sure George wouldn't let extreme blood loss and multiple gunshot wounds keep him from a win. Monash has lost Mark Armstrong to us, where he joins the rest of Shepparton (city campus) in a tearful re-union. Guess we can all be thankful that the Monash boys wouldn't know what to do with any of the dishes in their women's teams. Second last.

AJAX

Colours: Who cares 'cause they're in Div 1 now.
Last Year: Marginally 2nd last...they must have cheated.
This Year: See "Colours".
In: See "This Year".
Out: Andrew, their only half decent player who went to Cuba...aka Preston.

This is indeed the end of an era...no longer will Arthur's tortured cry of "CAARRRMMMOONNNN AAAAJJAAAXX" be heard on an Honours Court. But it will probably still be audible from another one. So long, and thanks for standing down so honourably...

RENEGADES

Colours: Red, White and Blue.
Last Year: Not so Good.
This Year: It's in the bag.
In: Big Chris Grigg (S.C.), Mark Armstrong (Monash), Tung Le (from Hockey...I reckon if I put it in writing he can't refuse!), more TBA.
Out: Murray Smith (Freaky Drug Induced Haze), Mark Young (Cuba...damn...Preston), Dave Martin (soft... sorry, an injured knee).

This is going to be sooooo sweet. This season will see the biggest comeback since...and it pains me to say it...Carlton's 1970 Grand Final robbery against Collingwood. The Renegades young guns will begin a new era in Victorian volleyball, what with the sudden lack of Heidelberg, and will destroy Cuba in the Grand Final...revenge for stealing our idea. The Penny brothers will become more famous than the Waugh twins. Spike will fire us up with an abusive sentence sometime around July. Sacha will take over from George's remains as Victorian setter, and the Shepparton connection will become joint Mayors of that same city. David Warwick meanwhile will be named as Captain of Team Australia for the 2000 Olympics (he will turn this down and seek a similar offer from Cuba...). Allah and Umut will become multi-cultural icons for the sport in Melbourne and open up their own Greek/Turkish cafe on Fitzroy Street. But above all, they will (almost) never again have to hear the words, "With all due respect".